I'm writing this with a snotty nose and swelling eyes after one therapy session from ChatGPT (don't do this, go see a real therapist). I did it because it was an emergency where I felt like I was on the verge of losing control. I lost it once, so I know how it feels.

My depression has been on and off this year. I won't go into details because it is too personal. What I can tell is I know how to handle it most of the time, but for the past month, I noticed that there's another symptom emerged: self-withdrawal.

Up until today, I spend most of my time alone. Despite working from home, even after days cooped up in my room, I still don't want to meet or spend time with anyone. 

I go to a cafe alone, visit a bookstore alone, take the bus or train alone (trying a new route), etc. 

Look, there's nothing wrong with doing all of those alone. In my case, it's starting to bother me especially when I went to a park in Bogor with my mom, when I was with her, I felt agitated for no reason whatsoever. At a certain point, I even got angry, I was so confused as to why I felt that way. It's just wrong.  

But it's not like I decline every invitation or make excuses when my friends (or family) need me. I make time because I care about them. Thankfully, when I'm really down in the pit none of them need my help because that would make me really sad and guilty. 

One thing I realize when you're depressed is the loss of time. 

When you're in the fog, you fight so hard to find a way out. Even when you're surrendering, it's also not easy. You just have to let go and let that heaviness pass and that could take days or even weeks for some. By the time you're out, you feel like you're missing out, A LOT. It's like you're not supposed to be in this situation or have this mindset or be stuck in the same place for years.

I'm burping writing this, is this a sign of healing?? I haven't farted tho. 

I know in my mind, or as people say that everyone's timeline is different, I'm not supposed to compare. But we compare things sometimes subconsciously, it's only natural to do that these days. It's a bad habit that I'm also still trying to get rid of.

It might be considered cool to have a mental illness in your 20s, but in your 30s it's like ew what's wrong with you? Get a grip. You're a fully grown adult. But in reality, it doesn't work that way. It's still really hard no matter how many times you've experienced it.  

I might cringe when I'm in an "alright" head space reading this post, but that's okay. It's difficult for me to relate to my depressed self when I'm in the clear. Could be a way for me to embrace this crappy side of me.