My Longest Relationship
February 08, 2020
Have you ever just felt like you’ve lost yourself at the end
of the day? Maybe after being scolded by your boss, failed at exams, had a
fight with your special someone. But somehow, after just listening to a song
you feel like yourself again. You are reminded that you are a person with
values, dignity, and all that good stuff. You are simply humbled.
That what usually happens to me. After a long day of work
when I feel like shit, I'm thinking "Who am I? What the hell am I doing with my life?" When
those rush of doubts suddenly approaching, I just open my Spotify and hit the play
button.
My relationship with music is probably the longest one I
have with everything and everyone. There are moments when I have no clue what
kind of emotion I’m currently sensing. It is truly bizarre. I have developed
this habit ever since I was a kid because at home and at school ̶
as far as I can remember ̶ I could never express myself clearly. I was
basically a quiet kid, and when I felt certain emotions (particularly the negative
ones) and tried to convey them, it backfired. I often ended up getting yelled
at. It all started from there.
Then why don’t I just tell my friends when I’m sad or angry?
I do, but not right away. As an adult, these days, I’m trying to rationalize
those emotions. What causes them to emerge? And usually, I’m searching for songs
that fitted best to ‘vocalize’ what I’m feeling. Then, after some time I can
tell my friends about it.
That is also probably why I listen to so many genres. I
listen to everything my heart tells me to. So, for every emotion, I have
selected some tunes. Whether it’s anger, sadness, upset, or in
love. I even have neutral songs that can
be listened to anytime and anywhere without dragging my feelings into certain
emotions so my mood won’t be ruined. Because of that also I like to make
playlists. It is very calming and therapeutic. If anyone who is reading this
needs help creating playlists, just contact me, I’m your go-to gal 👌.
Until this very day, I’m still doing that. It is very hard for
me to truly say what I’m feeling. I just put my headphones on and block
everything. Maybe that is also why it is extremely difficult for me to connect
to people, I mean on a different level, beyond friendship.
Hence for me, listening to music is not just for the sake of
it. It goes beyond that. I get a sense of validation when I’m doing it
without anyone saying anything. A validation to be myself in the face of doubt
or when I’m being that self-deprecating bitch. It is my own little world where
I can feel safe and free of prejudice of others. And NO ONE can take that away
from me.
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