Note: this is not a music post, but there is still a part of it don’t worry.

Let me start off by confessing something that has been deeply suppressed within me for years maybe more than a decade. This is such a hard post to write, let alone publishing it, but I have decided to write it anyway.

I went through depression before, during, and after college. The worst part was when I wrote my final paper. There were days that I cried like there’s no tomorrow. From there on, it was as if a button had been switched off and I don’t know how to turn it back on. I could not eat, slept like a dead person (I could sleep for 14 hours a day or more, which I later acknowledged that it was a sign of major depression), and had no intention to interact with other people. I was in a constant pain almost every day for probably two years straight. If I did not have any faith, I would have probably killed myself.

I thought my depression emerged because I graduated rather late, while most of my friends had already moved on, venturing new chapter and adventures in their lives.

And then I graduated, got a job not long after. I thought this could be the end of my depression and anxiety. I was wrong.

After reading through my notes/journals, I found so many writings about being lost. This hatred towards myself thinking why can’t you do more? Why don’t you have more goals in life? WTF is wrong with me? I still went through this dark period of time on-off for this past year, although not as worse. But even then, I was still in denial, thinking “I’m fine this is just a phase, I can get through this alone”

I was not just sitting around letting myself feeling this way forever.  I did everything I could, I prayed more and I did lots of activities, but something is still missing. That hollowness is still there.

The peak was last week, I cried again like a crazy person. But soon after I thought, crying won’t solve anything, you have to do something about this. I feel like there are lots of knots that needed to be loosened, and I can’t untie them by myself. I finally made a long overdue call to see a psychologist.

I finally told the psychologist, at the age of 24 I feel like I have not accomplished anything and I have no purpose or goal in life. She then asked what my passion is, what makes me happy. She said there is still time, maybe you start off late but everyone is different. Remember Colonel Sanders created KFC when he was in his 60s I believe. So maybe people do find their passion and skill at a different period of time in their lives. Maybe they find them in their 20s, 30s, or even when they were only 6 years old (lucky bastards).

She also asked about what I want in term of a desirable job, she said don’t just think about it as a far-fetched dream. You can make it happen, just take baby steps, it could open a whole new door. You have nothing to lose because right now you already have a steady job. Dig your potential because who knows where it might take you.

I am a shy, introverted person. I have always been thinking that I’m not good enough, I am stupid, I can’t do anything, I’m ugly, just a literal human trash. Yes, my self-esteem is that low. But as of today, I’m going to find what I’m good at and focus on it.

Like writing this post in English, I know it is not perfect, but it helps me to be a better writer. It is my own blog anyway. Or maybe in the future I could compare myself, see how far my English ability has improved.

Funny story, when I told the psychologist about my passion which is music, I also said there is this one concert in August that makes me soooo excited, it makes me super happy and feeling alive, I finally have something to look forward to. I said it’s in Singapore, she made a quick guess “Is it Foo Fighters’ concert?” I jumped in excitement and said “YESSSS, do you like them too?” and she does. She is going to watch them in Bangkok with her husband.

Another story about Foo Fighters, I think I got my current  job because the former supervisor who interviewed me also liked them, and we ended up chatting about them. Like, coincidence much?? I don’t think so. This is the part about music that I really like, how it can bring people together.

Getting back to the topic, one IMPORTANT message that I want to convey: if you feel like you can’t handle it, get help. Talk to trained professionals or your loved ones that you can trust, don’t hold back or be ashamed of yourself. You deserve to be happy and are entitled to your own happiness, so long as it does not cost any pain for other people.

Also remember, people see life differently, they react to certain things differently, that’s the beauty of human beings. If you give the same exact apple to two people, they will likely eat with different methods, one eats with a bare hand, the other might ask for a knife first. So, just don’t judge people in general, you don’t know what they have been through or how their minds work. Just being understanding is kind enough.

Man, I really hate talking about this sensitive stuff, reluctant even. Probably three years ago, I would think to myself, stop being so dramatic, you are just being silly, get a grip of yourself, girl. But I'm really tired of feeling, acting, and thinking this way. And I believe there are people out there who experience the same thing as me. If not, similar.

This is a new era, when I think the feeling of loneliness, helplessness, depression, and anxiety are becoming more common, especially with millennials. But people are also more open-minded nowadays. Even the psychologist said to me that young parents are starting to be more aware of the mental well-being of their children. They asked her “Did I do something wrong? Why is my son locking himself in his room all day? Is there something I could do?”

Speaking of loneliness, I’m not merely talking about those who are literally alone or aka single, but those who are feeling lonely even if they have spouses or surrounded by good friends and family. There is a big difference between being alone and feeling lonely. I myself am glad when being left alone, not all the time but most of the time haha.

The psychologist suggested that I post this on Facebook or other social media platform, which now I agree. Hoping that someone out there who is going through the same problems feels okay, this is my own way of helping. It gets better ONLY if you want things to be better. If you don’t have the intention to change that, K bye Felicia…

Keep in mind, talking about your problems to a trained professional does not magically make them go away. But I feel there is a slight relief, because for me personally, she guided me to the core matters and how to resolve them.

But I’m not saying that you HAVE to go see a psychologist or psychiatrist. If you can overcome your issues by praying, doing meditation, talking to friends and families, etc that’s even better because you don’t have to spend a dime for it nope lol JK that means you have great coping mechanism and support system.

If you manage to read through this part, I sincerely thank you because I have no other intention rather than just sharing my own experience. I cannot be more open about myself than this. Why am I writing this again? Oh yeah because I truly think this is the right thing to do.

God bless us all and have a heckin’ great day.

I’ll leave you with an awesome Foo Fighters song. Enjoy.

Foo Fighters-Walk